What's New Emu?
by Red Witch
Summary: Once again the XMen get a headache when the Misfits drop in with some very unusual gifts. That and a new batch of lawsuits.


**Large flightless birds have pecked away the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any X-Men or GI Joe characters. This is another mad one shot that I felt like doing just for the heck of it. There is nothing sane here people. Just enjoy the madness and character torture and the occasional shameless plug. I do. **

**What's New Emu?**

"I hate **Shipwreck!"** Ororo stormed into the kitchen one morning. Several of the X-Men were having breakfast. "I mean I really **hate **Shipwreck!"

"What did he do this time?" Rogue yawned. "Tried to steal your bras again?"

"Worse! He gave me a present!" Ororo groaned.

"That doesn't sound so bad," Jean blinked.

"Hello? This is **Shipwreck** we're talking about," Rogue corrected her.

"Yeah but what could he possibly give you that would put Storm in such an agitated state?" Hank asked.

Ororo drew back the curtains. A few large long necked birds were out there. They started to peck at the window. "Does **this **answer your question?" Ororo told him.

"Yes, I believe it does," Hank blinked.

"Well this is a sight I never expected to see in the morning," Betsy blinked. "At least not sober."

"I've seen a few cuckoos and canaries swirling around my head after early morning Danger Room practice," Kurt admitted. "But this is something completely different."

"What the…?" Logan walked in and saw the birds. "What are those things?"

"I believe they are Dromaius Novaehollandiae," Hank told him. "More commonly known as the emu."

"Emus?" Rogue asked. "Shipwreck got you **emus?"**

"What kind of nutcase gives a person large flightless Australian birds for a present?" Betsy asked.

"I believe I said it was Shipwreck that did this," Ororo glared at her.

"Oh right," Betsy realized.

"You should have been here a few years back," Rogue told him. "Avalanche gave Kitty a penguin once. That was a fun day."

"Not for me," Kurt grumbled. "The stupid thing tried to kill me for some reason!"

"A penguin?" Betsy's jaw dropped. "A **penguin? **I've heard of giving someone the bird but…"

"**Why **would he give **you** a penguin?" Doug asked Kitty. "**When **did he give you a penguin?"

"Everybody Loves Penguins," Kitty said weakly.

"Well at least we know where he got the idea from," Scott looked out the window. "HEY! GET AWAY FROM MY CAR YOU…GET OUT OF THERE!"

"Uh Scott I wouldn't…" Logan began. Scott ran out before he finished.

"OW! OW! OW!" Scott shouted as the emus started to peck him. He barely managed to get back inside. "A bit territorial aren't they?"

"Yeah," Logan nodded. "I've heard of being henpecked but this is ridiculous."

"I'll bet he trained him too," Kurt was muttering to no one in particular.

"Who?" Kitty asked him.

"Toad!" Kurt said. "The penguin? Remember?"

"Oh for crying out loud Kurt," Rogue groaned. "Are you still harping on that? That was years ago!"

"It tried to kill me!" Kurt snapped at her.

"So did dozens of other people but you didn't have a problem getting over them!" Rogue reminded him. "And one of them was your own half brother!"

"Don't forget your mother," Doug pointed out.

"Sometimes I wish I could," Kurt sighed.

"For the last time wasn't trying to kill you Kurt," Kitty told him.

"It was chasing me all around the room!" Kurt snapped.

"Only for ten minutes!" Rogue snapped.

"It was a very hectic ten minutes!" Kurt told her.

"It was probably playing," Kitty said.

"Sure it was playing. It was playing Peck the Tail off Nightcrawler!" Kurt pointed at her. "I'll bet you anything Toad trained it to be an attack penguin!"

"Kurt, there's no such thing as an attack penguin," Scott told him as he cleaned himself off with a towel. "Now if it was an attack **emu **I would believe you."

"It was an attack penguin, Scott," Kurt defended. "I think I would know an attack penguin when I see one."

"It was just a stupid penguin!" Rogue said.

"A penguin out for blood!" Kurt told her. "Every time we went back to the aquarium even when I was wearing my image inducer, it recognized me. Kept trying to peck it's way through the glass to get at me."

"You are just being paranoid," Kitty threw up her hands.

"Hey you would be paranoid too if people kept sending you attack penguins all the time!" Kurt said.

"It wasn't all the time it was just that **one **time!" Rogue said. "And it wasn't even for you. It was for Kitty!"

"Yes he sent it to her to keep her away from me!" Kurt snapped. "He probably was jealous of me or something."

"Okay why would Lance be jealous of **you?"** Rogue looked at him. "You had the crush on Kitty and **she** had the crush on Lance!"

"And he sensed that!" Kurt explained. "That's why he had Toad train that penguin to attack me!"

"That is ridiculous," Rogue looked at him. "The idea that Lance would ask Toad to train an attack penguin is totally ridiculous. Believe me, if Toad **did** train a penguin to be an attack penguin, he would do it on his own! Lance would never even **think **of something like that!"

"She's got a point there Kurt," Scott agreed. "Alvers only comes up with dumb ideas. Not insane ones."

Betsy looked at them. "You people have the strangest conversations I have ever heard in my life."

"Tell me about it," Logan sighed. Shipwreck and the Misfits happily walked into the room. "Then again when you see the people we hang out with, it's not that hard to understand **why." **

**"Shipwreck!" **Ororo shouted.

"Oh come on Ororo," Shipwreck held up his hands in order to placate her. "Don't you know what it means when a guy gives a girl a flock of emus?"

"Yes it means that he's **insane!"** Ororo asked. "I assume you also had the Triplets deactivate our security systems so they could run amok out there?"

ZAP!

"WAAAAKKKKK!"

"Mostly," Shipwreck winced.

"Well at least it got them away from my car," Scott looked outside. "Where did you guys get a flock of seventeen…"

ZAP!

"WAAAAAAKKKK EEEEEP!"

THUD!

"Sixteen emus…" Scott looked back out the window. "Right on my car. It figures."

"Well from Freddy here," Shipwreck pointed. "Where else?"

"Of course…" Logan rubbed his temples. "Who **else** would have emus on hand when you need them?"

"Or in our case when you **don't **need them," Scott sighed. "And I just had it washed too."

"You see my cousin Donny had this great idea for a new business," Fred explained. "Emu farms."

"Okay I have to ask," Kitty held up her hand. "Why emus? What do people use them for?"

"To have Emu Singing Groups Kitty," Pietro mocked. "You know how there's records of singing cats and dogs? In Europe they have singing emus."

"Really?" Kitty did not get the sarcasm.

"No!" Pietro groaned. "They're used pretty much the same way as chickens are! So people can eat them! Duh!"

"They **eat **emus?" Kitty the vegetarian was shocked.

"Emus are used for their meat, their leather skin, eggs and egg shells…The egg shells are purely for decoration of course," Hank lectured. "Emu oil is used for both pharmaceutical and cosmetic purposes. Emu meat does have more iron, protein and vitamin C and has less sodium than beef, chicken or turkey."

"Think of it as a giant chicken," Pietro grinned.

"One that's **not** related to my brother," Wanda smirked. Pietro gave her a look.

"Still…" Kitty shuddered. "Eww…Glad I'm a vegetarian."

"I dunno," Scott gave the birds out there a dark look. "I'm willing to give it a try. Who knows? I might acquire a taste!"

"I swear Charles sees these things coming…" Logan grumbled. "That's the real reason he took off with Wings this weekend. Conference in Washington DC my…"

"Logan!" Ororo admonished. "I assume you bought these birds, Shipwreck? You did **buy** these birds didn't you?"

"Well it's pretty hard to steal emus!" Shipwreck folded his arms. "Not impossible but still…"

"Cousin Donny gave 'em to me," Fred explained. "See he had to unload 'em fast cause he got into some trouble with the AEA."

"The AEA?" Jean asked.

"American Emu Association," Fred explained. "He also ticked off the local reverend and his wife…And the local chapter of the Moral Majority Coalition…Not to mention the Army…"

"Okay I think we're going to stop you right **there,"** Scott held up his hand.

"Smart choice," Lance nodded.

"You gave Storm a flock of **used **emus?" Doug asked Shipwreck. "That's just plain weird."

"Why not?" Fred shrugged. "Lance once gave Kitty Toad's penguin."

"Toad's penguin?" Kurt and Kitty yelled at the same time.

"That penguin was **Toad's?"** Kitty shrieked. "I got **Toad's** used penguin?"

"What did you expect? Money was tight!" Lance told her.

"I knew it!" Kurt stood up. "I knew he trained that stupid thing to attack me!"

"You mean it worked?" Todd asked. "Yo, Pietro! You owe me five bucks!"

"And I owe you a sock in the…" Kurt made a fist and shook it at Todd.

"Hey guys!" Jamie ran into the kitchen. "Shipwreck your emus are flying away!"

"Emus can't fly," Jean told him.

"Well somebody should tell **that** to the emus!" Jamie said.

"He's right!" Scott looked out the window. "What's left of the emus are flying away! AND MAKING A MESS ON MY CAR!"

"How the heck is that possible?" Rogue shouted. "Emus can't fly!"

ZZAPPP!

"They also can't shoot lasers out of their eyes," Hank blinked. Everyone looked at Fred.

"Did I forget to mention my cousin's farm was near a government nuclear experimental testing facility?" Fred asked. "And the emus got slightly…irradiated?"

"No Blob, I think we would have remembered if you did," Scott said as the birds literally flew the coop. "And three guesses where they're headed for. And the first two don't count."

"Bayville is being invaded by irradiated emus…" Kurt blinked. "This is weird even for us!"

"Great and we gotta go stop them!" Logan threw up his hands. "Some year this turned out to be! First seagulls, now emus! This is for the birds!"

"Well we had to use that joke sometime!" Kurt shrugged as the X-Men and Misfits raced off to stop the invasion.

"I never had these types of conversation back home," Betsy groaned.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

"It was good of you Warren to allow me to use your personal jet for our business in Washington," Xavier said as they settled in for the ride home. "I didn't want to use the Blackbird in case something came up."

"It's no problem Professor," Warren turned on the small television set in front of them. "Besides what could happen while we're away."

"Famous last words," Xavier saw what was on screen. "Turn up the volume."

"…Flying all over the city," Trish Tilby reported from Bayville. The background was covered in feathers, fires, wrecked cars, broken trees and bird droppings. "It took the authorities, with assistance from the X-Men and Misfits two hours to wrangle all the mutant emus and bring them under control. The surviving birds will be transported to a military base for research. The city plans to sue the X-Men, even though they deny any responsibility for two million dollars in damages. Already local members of the American Emu Association as well as the Audubon Society are planning a large-scale protest at the gates of the Xavier Institute. Mayor Chandler of Bayville is also planning to join the protest as soon as he is released from the hospital."

"In a related story, somehow a penguin escaped from the Bayville Aquarium in the confusion and is now on the loose," Trish continued. "Although penguins are normally peaceful animals, for some reason it has appeared to have attacked the X-Man known as Nightcrawler. As you can see from this video, the bird made several pecks before finally grabbing his tail…"

"Go away for a weekend and you miss a lot," Warren's jaw dropped.

"That's why I try to go away **every **weekend if I can help it," Xavier groaned.


End file.
